The Little Pinko Blog

No T-Shirts For Stalin

2005-05-29T15:17:00.000-07:00

I feel that the new genocide in Darfur is pretty special in the whole scheme of things. They certainly didn't make t-shirts when Hitler, or Saintly Stalin did their respective 'things' half a century ago.

Grotesquely enough, there are still some people on campus who do not know what 'Darfur' is or where it is located on a World map.

I recommend that you attend an event where you can hear the voices of the victims themselves projected through fellow human students and vocal apparatuses, translated by UN offcials with the financial support of Annan.

So, 7pm tonight, in Collis Commonground, we can come together and you can be lucky enough to get FREE Darfur Genocide t-shirts!!!! I'll be handing them out, I'll be the one wearing the purple Holocaust tee and am hoping that you will make a tax-exempt donation. Commemorative mugs, buttons, and tree ornaments will also be available to those interested.

I No Trust Those Trustees: The Secret Robinson-Zywicki Agenda

2005-05-29T00:37:00.000-07:00

Cons, neo-cons, libertarians, moderates, liberals, and apathetic folks, there is no need to read on. You've already signed much of your life away to this free state. Your only hope for redemption is your choice in Dartmouth College, and this is being fully threatened by the removal of the speech code. The Great Communist Pretender of Mozambique could have been our ideal new Supertrustee, fulfilling all roles with his newfangled 'Cult of Personality' and stringent (rightly so) allowances for action, belief and speech.

The trustee election just goes to show how our Liberal Arts Education (emphasis added) is being threatened by a bunch of grotesque Cons who so love to bandy about words like "Intellectual Diversity," "Liberal Bias," and "Free Speech." These words are code-phrases the so-called 'mainstream' like to use in their secret attack campaign against 20 and 21st century Communism in America.

We were delighted when the CEO of GM spoke at commencement last year, and appreciate such mainstream media figures as Tim Brokaw, but cannot condone this disgusting display of neo-con backpattery.

We suggest an immediate coup in protest, please join us on the Green for a non-non denominational (all those registered with an American church will be shot on sight) coup brunch on Sunday, May 29. We will have nice champagne mimosas and muffins (emphasis added) before proceeding in caravans of fuel efficient hybrids to the doors of Robinson and Zywicki where we will make them see the joy in resigning their posts on the Trustee Council. Follwing the subduement of campus, the Great Communist Pretender of Mozambique will set up temporary headquarters in Alumni Gym.

WMDs for Tots: Marines Exposed!

2005-05-29T00:02:00.000-07:00

We here were quite remarkably disgusted to learn that the Marine Corp Reserves has been peddling its agenda to the nation's needy since 1947.

The official website proclaims:

The primary goal of Toys for Tots is to deliver, through a shiny new toy at Christmas, a message of hope to needy youngsters that will motivate them to grow into responsible, productive, patriotic citizens and community leaders.

We urge each and every one of you to contact the US Armed Services and demand that they stop giving shiny new wrapped presents (ie BAYONETS, it couldn't be anything else) to the nation's underprivledged waifs. We suggest that they go peddle these toys elsewhere, perhaps they could return the funds to their corporate sponsors and buy something nice (LIKE FOOD) for the victims of the Darfur Genocide.

Also, the selection of the Christian holiday disgusts our atheistic principles. As Engel writes, "Weak hearts and failing minds come from Christmas gifts and showy baubles."

Furthermore, I would draw your attention to the 28 month old news story that I just found here. This shows that libertarians, even that one Sean Adams, are CRAZY! These libertarians did not only attempt to hand out guns shaped like the real thing, only smaller, they also targeted racially diverse Harlem. Sounds like they're taking some cues from the Marine Corp. We aren't terribly surprised, Liberts go together with Marines like silly string and a cup.

When asked why they picked East Harlem, crazy Libert. leader Snyder replied, "Because we think that kids on Park Avenue or Sutton Place wouldn't appreciate a new toy as much as kids uptown."

Us+Pimpin Our Collective Rides=Front Page News

2005-05-03T21:06:00.000-07:00

Dartmouth is on the front page of the Times (online)!

The article had the following to say about the new innovations we're rolling off the presses:
Students will be able to catch the latest episode of MTV's "Pimp My Ride" or any other television show anywhere on campus - including in class. While that is one more worry for professors who are now used to students staring at screens, they hope that the interaction and stimulation of a class will detract from the desire to tune in to "TRL" during sociology, Mr. Horrell said.
Students, many of whom did not know about the new service, are enthusiastic. Jean Cowgill, 19, a freshman, hopes to use the network to watch materials outside of class. But, Ms. Cowgill said, the cable access might backfire.
"That sounds amazing," she said. "But I don't know how great it will be for my study habits."

HellBound: Phase One Culture War

2005-05-03T20:44:00.000-07:00

Having been quite the Chuck fan in my day, I was startled to come across this interview at the pro-terrorist/anti-federal abortion judge website of Pat Robertson.

We were also shocked and disgusted to learn that someone like Chuck could have worked in cooperation with former Pres. Bush to found something called the 'Kick Drugs out of America' Foundation or "KickStart". One of the program's goals? Discipline. Chuck claims, "All children are begging for discipline, although they will never ask for it."

SCOTT ROSS: And in each case, it had a serious, profound affect on you. What was it that death said to you in the midst of your life, and where was God? What do you think God was saying to you in the middle of those moments?
CHUCK NORRIS: The one that had the most affect on me was Lee Atwater. He was former President Bush’s [George Bush Sr.] campaign manager. Lee was in his early '30s. He was just an incredible guy. When Lee got a tumor, the tumor in his brain, his head swelled up to the size of a pumpkin. When he was in the hospital dying, I went to visit him. He only let a very select group of people come in to see him, and I was fortunate enough to be one of the people. So I go in there, and there’s, like, four of us in there, and Lee looks at me and he motions for me to come forward. I step forward. He starts trying to talk to me, so I have to bend down because he can just barely whisper. I bent down, and he says, 'Chuck, trust in the Lord. I love you.' That’s the last thing he said. I was like in shock there for a moment, so I stepped back and I had to leave immediately because I was starting to cry. I went in the car and just started crying. When Lee said that, 'trust in the Lord,' all of a sudden, I said, 'That’s what’s happening because I drifted away from my faith.' I started thinking about it, but I was still so wrapped up in the entertainment field and trying to be more successful in my acting that, again, I just kind of let it slide out of the side of my head there.

We're More Popular than the D

2005-05-03T20:15:00.000-07:00

This news doesn't surprise us one bit. The creators of this blog hired a cracker-jack research team to ask those rolling deep around the town whether they preferred the Little Pinko to the Daily Dartmouth. The results were expected: 7 of 10 (only 10) participants declared decisively that they preferred us to any other campus alternative. We have one thing to say: the D can go wipe its unpixelated, smudgy ass with itself for all we care.

The reason for the popularity of our news site lies simply in its accessibility. We consume interesting bits and scour the web for hours daily (or just check out Daily Kos and CPUSA.com) and regurgitate this info out in fun and inventive ways for the mass public. Why should you have to read a newspaper? Bah! YOU!

The following graph further illustrates my point:

Thirteen More Reasons to Hate Doogie

2005-05-03T15:24:00.000-07:00

Since there has been little in the way of news since the reported police-assisted possible 'suicide' on Sunday morning, I've decided to rehash all my insecurities surrounding the person of Neil Patrick Harris's whiz ass character Doogie Howser.

For starters, he's thirteen. Let's get real here, how can we really trust him with our bodies? He only started using shoes with laces eight years before he got his doctorate. Dr. Ruth and other celebrities may have endorsed his Board Exams and allowed Doogs to check their reflexes and sagging genitalia, but all this aside, his hormones have not yet started to bubble and brew in his veins and he cannot even fully appreciate what it feels like to give a breast exam.

It's not my intention to give him undue publicity here, after all he's still syndicated in 85 of the world's nations and broadcast on 423 stations daily with his miniaturized doctor's kit and stethoscope.

And now, thirteen concrete reasons for our readers to hate Doogie:
1.) He's younger than you.
2.) He gets more ass (both the pedophillic and regular variety).
3.) He doubled your MCAT score.
4.) He gets to administer rectal exams.
5.) Boyish good looks.
6.) Attractive man perms are his forte.
7.) When you were reading comic books he was feeling the tits on cadavers.
8.) Women know his name in 45 languages.
9.) He knows how to use (and gets to use) an electronic defib.
10.) Nurses adore him.
11.) He makes more money than his parents.
12.) Labcoat+acid washed Bugle Boy Jeans.
13.) Jealousy

Sex and Gay Sex?

2005-05-02T11:10:00.000-07:00

The only thing consistent about those damned Catholics is their inconsistency. In a lecture before Dartmouth's Aquinas House, John Grabowski of Catholic University not only condemned the economically and socially sound usage of contraceptive means other than the 'rhythm method' or fertility planning, but also had the audacity to say the following:

"When sex is the only intimacy that the couple enjoys, there is no real depth to the relationship."

Continuing along this same crazy, inbalanced manner, "He pointed out that family planning is 98 percent effective while oral contraceptives are only 92 percent effective and latex contraceptives are only 80 percent effective, statistics he said were from the World Health Organization."

Are those actual facts? After perusing the teenwire.com site (sponsored by Planned Parenthood) I was able to decisively discover that, as in the Biblical example of Mary, even abstinence isn't completely effective for blighted Christians, further emphasizing the point that people should likely turn to the State so they won't be mysteriously impregnated by a 'spirit'.

In other news, May is Teen Pregnancy Prevention Month!! Let's not listen to those popes and have buckets of protected sex.

Heart Stalin--Hate Walmart

2005-05-02T10:59:00.000-07:00

We are happy to note that the LA Times reported yesterday on a blossoming trend emerging in modern Russia. As V-E day approaches, and a factual biography is released on the Great One, Stalin's star is on the rise once again.

A recent poll by the All-Russian Public Opinion Research Center found that half of the respondents looked favorably on Stalin, with 20% describing his role in the life of the country as "very positive" and 30% calling it "somewhat positive." Only 12% described it as "very negative."

Stupid teeny boppers (Dartmouth Review anyone?) and the Russian yuppie sect who tend to favor 'democracy' and 'free elections' were least likely to support the Great One, with the weakest support coming from the 25-34 age group, with 38% viewing him favorably and 47% critically.

The article also has more good news; we , ahem, they are rebuilding their supply of Stalin statuary! "Authorities in Volgograd are planning to unveil a statue of Stalin next week as Russia celebrates the 60th anniversary of its victory over Nazi Germany. The dictator's supporters see it simply as proper recognition of the key role he played in World War II."

Save TX!

2005-05-01T18:18:00.000-07:00

"A preventable humanitarian crisis has been raging in Texas for the past 33 years. Government backed guards, police, and female personnel have been mysteriously whisking away thousands of non-white criminal 'perpetrators' in a disgusting show of racial profiling. Girls and women have (deniably) been raped and murdered, as have men, resulting in these so called 'capital offenses.'"

SAVE TEXANS!

I'm baking cookies later this week that will (hopefully) contain small pieces of the falsely accused in a push for their future freedom!

Conservatives Like to Use "Crutches" and are EVIL

2005-05-01T17:48:00.000-07:00

Whilst shuffling through the ancient archives at the Daily Standard (psst. online, of course is the implication), I discovered an article from three years ago that perhaps furthers my point about how Organized Religion's hostile takeover of pop culture is standing in the way of the Great Call of Communism.

Jonathan V. Last (Neo-con editor depicted above) states, "First, we learn that Morpheus is a religious nutjob. In "The Matrix" Morpheus serves as the exposition engine, giving the audience all of its information about the world the characters inhabit: Morpheus has been sent by an oracle to find mankind's savior; we only meet a handful of real people and they all agree with him, leading us to believe that Morpheus represents the conventional wisdom in this world."

If he weren't a neo-con of the 4-Non Blondes sect, I would consider his comments marginally insightful.

Jenny from the Bloc? Methinks not...

2005-04-30T16:31:00.000-07:00

While reading my cutting edge and totally fresh magazine of choice (Blender), I came across this article on the kids from Bloc Party that caused me to raise an eyebrow.

Though the band's vox come from the pipes of Kele Okereke who was born and raised in Nigeria after his parents migrated for professional and personal reasons, there is too much in him that smacks of the imperialist Brit of centuries back.

In a clipped British accent, Okereke provides a revealing description of the band's name, “It’s bound to make some people think about politics, but it was more of a play on words. Like a hip-hop block party but spelled wrong—like rappers do.”

Playacting at being an Afro-American rap star? Disgusting. What next? Bloc Party will resort to touring in black face with a synchronous light and step show?

If these overly polite and trite dudes hadn't just gotten off of tour with such groups as INTERPOL and The Killers we would dismiss them offhand.

Furthermore, they shattered many of our illusions about the song Helicopter, straight-shooter style, telling the world that it is not about Bush.

If I hadn't already purchased the album as soon as Pitchfork gave it the heads up, I daresay my $18 would have been better served in rescuing a small child from the fields of Nigeria and the imperialist smut that all those like Okereke and his crew are proliferating with this record.

Thirteen Going on Thirty: Go to Port? Nay, Abort!

2005-04-30T14:15:00.000-07:00

When I saw this story I was wistfully brought back to the days of my youth, when I too was thirteen and discriminated against on the basis of my age. I had gone to the ear piercing place in the mall, and had decided after watching a documentary on Tommy Lee that a Prince Albert would be totally sweet and well advised. To my chagrin, I was told to return with a parent, or to come back when I was eighteen to be served. This singlehandedly crippled me with the ladies for the next few years, and I've been running at a disadvantage ever since.

At least the ACLU is fighting for the little lady in this instance. She can't choose? Bah, lies lies lies and the lying 'moral order' that tell them should live and let live (or die). If you're old enough to learn Pre-Calculus and get your period, you're surely entitled to make these pressing choices without the help of Jeb Bush's puppet government.

Beyond this, the Great Communist Pretender of Mozambique is greatly in favor of self-supporting economic systems that trust in its members to retain the beauty and sanctity of populations. Population control is just a means to this end. Bravo hun, and we here wish you luck in the struggle.

Also, while we're at it, let's decriminalize prescription drug fraud, Jeb. We all remember how your little sugar pie got caught back in 2002 buying Xanax with a fake prescription. She looks damn cute in her mug shot.

Good for Sex, Sex, and More Than Sex (oh wow)

2005-04-30T13:51:00.000-07:00

Sex isn't the only thing that North Indians are engaging in these days. They also enjoy textile manufacturing. This is just one of the 50,000 uses for a condom, and another reason why progressivity and the Communist Party have lubricated a fine path into the hearts and minds of Indians.

Other uses for the lubricated condom in India:
sex,
hand puppets with plastic bead eyes,
corn preventative stockings,
wine skins,
camel back for marathon runners.

In summation: we think the Indians deserve more condoms so increased innovation can take place and in turn, an increased chance for the peoples of Darfur. Sex should occur under any circumstances, because nothing else is valuable.

Lying Trees!

2005-04-29T23:12:00.000-07:00

Today a whisper in the wind alerted me to the fact that it was exactly one week and one day after Earth Day...the infamous Arbor Day. I should have guessed that our President would not have forgotten, he has 81 people to remind him of such things.

In a (obvious) stunt for the mainstream press, Bush planted a small oak tree and crab apple bush near his Texas estate, reportedly proclaiming that, "These small plants, though mini-ature will produce oxygen and carbon monoxide for years to come."

Of course, any Texan worth her/his snuff would know that plants don't produce carbon monoxide and that miniature is one word without division. This just goes to show that BUSH IS AN IDIOT. Hah! So stupid.

Dartmouth Students Not Getting Laid While A-broad

2005-04-29T22:45:00.000-07:00

While on my FSP in Spain last term, I noticed that females would look me up and down and in the end would do nothing more than quizzically ask me about my 'President,' saying that his beady eyes detracted from my J.Crew sweater and made me look something akin to Poindexter in their eyes. My mustachio and longish pubic hairs wound round the nape of my neck, beckoning one and all to love me as a natural European of the Ancient sect.

I decided that this was unacceptable, so I went to a local Spanish bar trolling for fair maidens. I unbuttoned my shirt to the third stop, applied excess Old Spice Endurance and waited for the approach. Nothing came of this, but one small Swede in a blue sweater who told me that I was quite remarkably evil for paying taxes to my president of the beady eyes. My accent was a betrayal of all that was bad about this nation, this is why I propose that the Great Communist Pretender of Mozambique be our future in 2008.

Three months without sex was quite unacceptable, and since returning to campus, I've done all I can to be a sensitive dude and lure sweet freshman maidens to my quarters. But these damn Americans have nothing on the Italians (the people of people, so vainglorious and receptive to the call of our Great Leader).

A Run for His Mons?

2005-04-29T00:07:00.000-07:00

A terribly reliable third party source has just informed me that Mr. Franken may be set to face a fierce competitor for the Minnesota Senatorial bid in 2008. A resident of the Great State from '57-'61 while completing his undergrad. at Macalester College in St. Paul, the Holy Communist Pretender from Mozambique has expressed some interest in taking Franken's seat by force.
Minnesota natives have been polled on the matter, supporting the Pretender 2 to 1, with one young voter claiming that 'Franken's face just looks like putty, and it doesn't even glow in the dark.'

The Pretender, a full blooded Minnesotan by birth and residency, is planning to move back to the states this Summer to begin his campaign in earnest. Before ascending to such great heights, he starred alongside Jim Candy in Cool Runnings, started his own clothing line in Senegal in the mid-80s, and in general was just a fucking wicked sickle. I back it.

My Friend Franken + Bush is Stupid

2005-04-28T21:17:00.000-07:00

Moseying down to my absolute favorite 'watering hole' that is blessedly located in the midst of a desert as dry as the area between Laura Bush's legs, (The capital "L" liberal oasis), I found a charming link to my friend Al's website where Bush's performance during the infamous press conference is commented on:

One little thing, before we slice and dice on tomorrow’s show: at one point, Bush said “You know, if a president tries to govern based on polls, you’re kind of like a dog chasing your tail.”
That metaphor just makes no sense whatever. Isn’t it more like a dog chasing some external object, like a frisbee or a butterfly? Chasing your tail usually means paying too much attention to yourself, and not paying attention to what other people think. If you have any idea what he could possibly have meant, please post it in the comments.

As we've been asserting all along, Bush is a stupid, stupid crackpot if it weren't for all of his addictions to totally sweet illicit substances, he would have never been a cool dude for even an instant of his life.